I'm tired of being alone. I really am.
It's easier to forget here. More people, more 'acquaintances with whom I hang out'. Lot's of individuals whom I enjoy spending time with.
...And, of course, most of them are guys. There is always that slight undertone with them. It's the 'could we become more than this?', that little question always hanging in the air. And that little question acts as a barrier, of course.


So many smiling faces.
So many, "How are you?"s.
And yet, I'm lonely.
Some how, I feel that it's my own fault.
It's burdensome to keep relationships- friendships, going. Especially when we have to plan when to meet with each other.  
Some days, many days, I just don't feel like being a compassionate friend with a listening ear. Some days I don't care for company nor want to enact the tedious balancing act of polite conversation.
Relationships are bothersome. Conversation is a chore.
Do they sense that? Is that why I'm usually the one texting and arranging our get-together's?


Just thinking this makes me feel like a whiner, but all I want is a few individuals whom I could trust to the end of the world and back.
I just want to trust again...
*sigh* Maybe it's not friendship that I want, but companionship.
*laughs* Aye, that's what a want. A companion whom I would gladly fight and die by their side.
*tears up*
By Ra, I miss Red.
My brother. My inspiration. My courage. My best friend.
*chuckles* My overlord.
I wonder how common it is for the elder sibling to defer to the younger? *amused* But he and I always understood that it wasn't because he was 'stronger' or that I was 'weaker'. I followed him because he was the one with goals, and ideas, and the drive to move forward.
He chose his path, and I followed. I call him 'master' and 'lord' sometimes. *laughs* None of our peers understood. They probably decided that it was a game or a joke, and they would mostly be right. But it always meant more than that.
It was a way to tell my little brother, "I'll always support you," "I've got your back, and I trust you with mine," "I'll always listen to what you have to say". It was a way of expressing my loyalty and love for the little brat. *tearful smile* And I think he always understood. We never really talk about it, but it's like one huge metaphor that we use to communicate our relationship with each other. *amused* Most of the time it's just like an RPG, but the undertones... Those moments when something honest can be said 'in character'...  
I once heard that artists use lies to tell the truth. - That's what my brother and I do. Because it's too embarrassing to actually say what we mean, we tell pretty lies that communicate the truth.
Red is the most loyal, trustworthy companion I could ask for. And by the gods I miss him.


*softly* Of course, I miss Her too.
She was once a beloved companion of mine, was once my best friend. *small smile* Even Red liked her, even though she and I teased him.
...But planets turn, and times change. Maybe I'll find Her again. Perhaps I will be able to call her 'Dearest' without wanting to cry for the companion I lost.
*grimace* She's not dead. She's not gone. But the trust we had cracked, and over time our bond faded, and that trust crumbled to pieces. Now we look at each other and grieve for what we've lost, but we're both to tired to try again.
But we still remember each other. That alone gives me hope that I might, one day, find my Dearest again.


*sigh* Two wonderful companions, one after the other. The first is lost to me. The second is away, and I cannot follow him any longer.
And so I am alone. Again.

But it takes time to build bonds like those which I desire. And maybe 'companions' aren't far out of my reach.
My fear is that I don't it in me to trust. For wouldn't I have to take back some of that trust from Red to give it to someone else? And losing Red is something I desperately do not want.

Well, friends don't fall from the sky. And I've been sitting on this loneliness for years, even if it hasn't been this acute in a while. I can survive this. I just-... Sometimes I just want someone to go to for a hug when I feel like crying. Sometimes I just want someone to lean against while reading, or taking a nap. Someone with whom I don't have to keep barriers up-.
-And gorram it! Why the hell am I so depressed?
*rubs temple* I probably just need a good cry. I'll go read some tragic fanfiction. Get all these tears out. Take a shower and then go to bed.
I'll be fine in the morning. *exhale*
I'll be fine.